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Trouble...Just Trouble

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Axle
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Trouble...Just Trouble

Post by Axle » Wed May 23, 2018 10:22 am

Perhaps a bump in the road with a relationship. Here's the deal. My partner makes more money and gets a big check 2 times a year from the tribe...he's Native American. The income disparity is causing problems...tension from my side and from his side it is wanting to do things which I cannot afford, especially given my debt situation. I cannot get out of debt with him wanting to do things, I simply will not and never in the near future have the money to do a 5 night stay in Florida and it be fair, 50/50. Same goes with going to dinner, although he says it doesn't bother him that he pays for mine but I don't like it. It is cheaper to do something else like picnic or buy stuff at the store and cook at the house, but he shows no interest in doing those sort of activities with me. Which leads me to the next things...

He doesn't want to much else with me other than go places, shop, or eat out. We don't have sex either. I've brought it up to him many occasions and it is pretty much ignored without any explanation from him. I can't really enjoy going shopping because of said debt situation and if I indulge I just feel bad about it later and worsens the debt problem. I've done consolidation loans and then a family emergency has thrown me further in the hole and things on that front aren't getting better.

I do go to a therapist due to my anxiety/depression/anger issues which while that makes me seem like a nut case, we all have our issues ok... If you're breathing, you got issues and I have mine that I am trying to work on without taking drugs. Now that is out of the way, I have a hard time talking to him about things. He can be a bit insensitive towards me and has this expectation that I "just stop" doing things or acting a certain way or "just do" things. It is very difficult for me with anxiety to go to the gym for example, or to not binge eat. If it was easy to change behaviors and habits I would, trust me. I went to the gym for a year and hated it, didn't have a gym partner and all the people who said were going to help me ended up bailing. Binge eating, I don't know why I can't stop eating. I eat normal meals in the morning and lunch but after work I just blatantly overeat...it's like an addiction and that is something I am worried about and I think it is something I will need a lot of help with. Going out to dinner where often you're served large portions, I end up eating all of mine and maybe some of his :o Then I get told to just stop it, you don't have to eat everything. I know I don't. I've quit doing a lot of things, I have quit smoking, I have quit smoking pot and so on...neither of those was easy to do, but food is just on another level, I guess. I feel like he is just not hearing me and isn't interested in what I have to say...it seems that it is just a black and white matter to him. Whether he feels he is just telling me like it is or not is besides the point, I can tell people what they're doing is stupid without making them feel that way. I'm not saying he's wrong about what he does say, just kind of a dick way to say it you know? I feel that someone you're in a relationship you should be able to talk about things and these are kind of personal issues to me and to be made to feel like I'm stupid or inferior isn't something I want. You can't open up to someone you're close to and then be made to feel stupid. So I just try to avoid opening up to him so I don't have to hear him go on about it.

So between the income disparity, lack of sex, unwilling to do things with me, insensitivity towards my personal struggles... I'm at my wits end. Not saying I'm not at fault anywhere but it is clear this is not heading in a good direction and eventually things are just going to reach a boiling point.

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Re: Trouble...Just Trouble

Post by LJay » Thu May 24, 2018 2:55 am

Axle, you are lucky to have a therapist, If you have not made a call for an appointment, you should do so immediately and you should take a copy of this post with you. You should read it to your therapist and go from there.

Until you have that appointment just try to stay cool and deal with things the best you can, but call your therapist now.

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Re: Trouble...Just Trouble

Post by Axle » Thu May 24, 2018 5:54 am

I mean I will do that....I'ved talked about my partner in the past but what are you saying exactly? lol Am I going nuts or something?

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Re: Trouble...Just Trouble

Post by LJay » Thu May 24, 2018 6:03 pm

No you are not going nuts. You are being faced with some very human problems, and a lot of them, right now. Sometimes we just have to keep on keepin' on while we solve our problems. You will be fine. Remember the song that said, "I beg your pardon. I never promised you a rose garden?" I sing that phrase to myself often. It's kind of corny but it just reminds me that things won't always be the way I want them to be. We all go through it.

Once you have a few sessions with the therapist things may beging to sort themselves and you will be able to deal with problems one at a time, rather than all at once.

Hang in there. We're over here in the next field pitching for you.

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Re: Trouble...Just Trouble

Post by emiliano » Thu May 24, 2018 9:23 pm

Why are you with this guy?

And i dont mean that in an aggressive way. But in a way that urges you to self reflect.

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Re: Trouble...Just Trouble

Post by Axle » Thu May 24, 2018 11:00 pm

emiliano wrote:
Thu May 24, 2018 9:23 pm
Why are you with this guy?

And i dont mean that in an aggressive way. But in a way that urges you to self reflect.
He is stable and despite his shortcomings he does treat me very well and I do feel that he does go out of his way for me in a lot of areas. Of course, there is the question why is he with me? I mean I have a lot of debt, I don't make as much money and we don't have that many shared interests. While I think it is good to want to do other things, I do wish that there was something we enjoyed together that wasn't just general crap...everyone likes dinner and shopping.... I mean honestly I'd rather cook something nice at home and I don't like being out in public. Come to Wal*Mart down here and you'd sweat you were looking at People of Walmart...

However, back to your question he's really one of maybe a few guys who had their stuff together..having a job and a goal. I've dated guys who were delivering papers (until the newspapers quit delivering papers) and then was unemployed smoking pot living in a dump. What the hell was I thinking and why did I put myself through it.

My partner and I do need to sit down and talk, especially now that he did just get the job down in Atlanta and believe me I would love for things to work out but I am worried about the long term aspects of our relationship.

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Re: Trouble...Just Trouble

Post by DQPumpkinhead » Fri May 25, 2018 7:42 am

Axle wrote:
emiliano wrote:
Thu May 24, 2018 9:23 pm
Why are you with this guy?

And i dont mean that in an aggressive way. But in a way that urges you to self reflect.
He is stable and despite his shortcomings he does treat me very well and I do feel that he does go out of his way for me in a lot of areas. Of course, there is the question why is he with me? I mean I have a lot of debt, I don't make as much money and we don't have that many shared interests. While I think it is good to want to do other things, I do wish that there was something we enjoyed together that wasn't just general crap...everyone likes dinner and shopping.... I mean honestly I'd rather cook something nice at home and I don't like being out in public. Come to Wal*Mart down here and you'd sweat you were looking at People of Walmart...

However, back to your question he's really one of maybe a few guys who had their stuff together..having a job and a goal. I've dated guys who were delivering papers (until the newspapers quit delivering papers) and then was unemployed smoking pot living in a dump. What the hell was I thinking and why did I put myself through it.

My partner and I do need to sit down and talk, especially now that he did just get the job down in Atlanta and believe me I would love for things to work out but I am worried about the long term aspects of our relationship.
Alex, I’m curious, how did the two of you get together? Is there much intimacy (not sex, but holding and such?). Do you get what you need from each other emotionally?


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Re: Trouble...Just Trouble

Post by Axle » Fri May 25, 2018 7:47 am

DQPumpkinhead wrote:
Fri May 25, 2018 7:42 am
Alex, I’m curious, how did the two of you get together? Is there much intimacy (not sex, but holding and such?). Do you get what you need from each other emotionally?


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Anyway....

We met on POF (Plenty of Fish) we talked for quite a while before meeting each other. We did click intellectually initially. There is intimacy but not really any sex...fooling around yes, but that's not really sex. As far as emotional needs, it might be that we don't get to spend that much time together...that there could be putting a strain on things. So maybe with his move might make things better?

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Re: Trouble...Just Trouble

Post by skinny_bones4 » Thu May 31, 2018 10:01 pm

Just out of curiosity, did he ask you to move down with him? Regardless of the answer, I think it provides both of you some insight into your overall situation.

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Re: Trouble...Just Trouble

Post by Axle » Fri Jun 01, 2018 2:45 pm

skinny_bones4 wrote:
Thu May 31, 2018 10:01 pm
Just out of curiosity, did he ask you to move down with him? Regardless of the answer, I think it provides both of you some insight into your overall situation.
Yes, without diving into all the specifics, he does want me to move in with him. If that wasn't the case then yes, I'd say then what the hell do we have here? Communication is the issue, but that might only be due to the fact we don't spend a whole lot of time together, pretty much just the weekends. I think it is a matter of taking the time to talk about all of those things with each other and try to deal with it.

Just as much as I want to have my needs fulfilled I want to be sure that I can fulfill his needs. The catchphrase "no news is good news" is seldom the case, at least in terms of communication in a relationship.

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