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Gay Men Aging

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DQPumpkinhead
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Gay Men Aging

Post by DQPumpkinhead » Thu May 10, 2018 11:21 pm

The last several months have been difficult. I lost my temper, so I lost my job. I placed hundreds of applications but only received a few invitations to interview. I am very well qualified, but I kept seeing job postings for people with 3-5 years experience, in other words, they want someone in their 20’s. I have only had four jobs in 30 years, so although they can’t ask me my age, they can add up my years experience and estimate that I’m in my early 50s.
During the few interviews I did get, I was asked several times, “There can be heavy lifting involved and long hours standing on your feet, are you sure you can handle it?”
Since I couldn’t get interviews, I started my own company and am doing well. But now, most of the clients I call on are in their 20s.
Today a client and I were talking about how difficult the loss of a pet could be. I showed her a photo of me and my favorite dog from around 2000, 2001. She, seriously said, “Wow, that’s you? you look nothing like you did back then.” Yes gurl, I haven’t aged well.
I go down to the restaurants near my clients, in trendy areas of town, and get eye rolls from younger gay men when I simply and causally say hello. I’m partnered for 17 years, Married for 1. I’m just being cordial.
Body is sagging and the harder I work at loosing weight, the more I look like my skin in melting.
My hair is that bald scalp with salt & pepper around the back.
I have to carry reading glasses every where I go.
Getting older sux.

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Re: Gay Men Aging

Post by LJay » Sat May 12, 2018 3:14 pm

@DQPumpkinhead You only need another 20 years to be in my shoes. Just wait, there is more to come.

One of the things that I have found comes along as you get older is the ability to deal with the insecurity of younger folks. Sure, the fellow you met can hurt your feelings with a smartass remark but what good will be bad manners do him? Those around him may notice his rudeness. That may, eventually, lose him a few "friends." He will have missed a chance at meeting someone interesting. It is for certain that he will have wasted an opportunity to make a good impression. If I were you, I would just say hi in a nice way the next time you meet him. Think of it as giving him a chance to learn from his mistakes.

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Re: Gay Men Aging

Post by Axle » Mon May 14, 2018 7:39 am

DQPumpkinhead wrote:
Thu May 10, 2018 11:21 pm
The last several months have been difficult. I lost my temper, so I lost my job. I placed hundreds of applications but only received a few invitations to interview. I am very well qualified, but I kept seeing job postings for people with 3-5 years experience, in other words, they want someone in their 20’s. I have only had four jobs in 30 years, so although they can’t ask me my age, they can add up my years experience and estimate that I’m in my early 50s.
During the few interviews I did get, I was asked several times, “There can be heavy lifting involved and long hours standing on your feet, are you sure you can handle it?”
Since I couldn’t get interviews, I started my own company and am doing well. But now, most of the clients I call on are in their 20s.
Today a client and I were talking about how difficult the loss of a pet could be. I showed her a photo of me and my favorite dog from around 2000, 2001. She, seriously said, “Wow, that’s you? you look nothing like you did back then.” Yes gurl, I haven’t aged well.
I go down to the restaurants near my clients, in trendy areas of town, and get eye rolls from younger gay men when I simply and causally say hello. I’m partnered for 17 years, Married for 1. I’m just being cordial.
Body is sagging and the harder I work at loosing weight, the more I look like my skin in melting.
My hair is that bald scalp with salt & pepper around the back.
I have to carry reading glasses every where I go.
Getting older sux.
@DQPumpkinhead I myself have some anger issues at times. I can't quite explain it but I do have anxiety issues and I think that plays a role in things. I usually never lose my temper completely at work, seems that road rage is my issue and it is something I am working on to overcome.

That being said, I never have given much thought about work experience. I always seen those as a minimum but perhaps it is a psychological thing. Perhaps it is a way to weed out people from applying, but I don't think 3-5 years work experience and having 20 means you're not qualified for that position. I mean it would be difficult for someone with 20 years in software engineering to start working at a start up software company in silicon valley, that industry moves fast and a very different work culture.

Kudos to you on running your own business, that's something I tried and didn't like. Granted I didn't do things the right way. I tried to be overly legit too early (not that it is a bad thing), I discounted things too much and simply didn't charge enough for my services...then I fell in to a pretty deep depression. Needless to say running my own business wasn't a good fit for me. You should pat yourself on the back for running your own business and quit beating yourself up over your age.

Next thing, I'll be willing to bet the question about heavy lifting is ask to 20 year olds who do nothing but play on their Xbox and expect to be paid because they got a gold star and showed up for work on time....

Just feel good about yourself, you're getting in better shape, you're healthy enough to be able to do that. Yes, I'm 31 so what do I know anyway, I've put on a fair amount of weight and tried going for a job, I felt like a semi truck climbing a mountain.

If I had reading glasses I'd whip them out and say to those guys "I'm sorry, is that a penis or a clittorous?"

Ageism runs rampant in the gay world, it even applies to me, it applied to me, yes, at 25. I look a little older, I think, than the average person my age. That being said, you have nothing to be ashamed of and pay no attention to people who judge only by looks, age or some other subjective attribute. When you start having these sort of thoughts stop yourself and think is this really true? What evidence do I have to support this thought? Do you really take to heart what some spoiled 20 year old thinks? Maybe he has crabs or some shit. If not that, distract yourself and divert your thoughts to something else, because at any rate it is destructive and you're better than that.

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Re: Gay Men Aging

Post by DQPumpkinhead » Tue May 15, 2018 11:12 pm

Axle wrote:
DQPumpkinhead wrote:
Thu May 10, 2018 11:21 pm
The last several months have been difficult. I lost my temper, so I lost my job. I placed hundreds of applications but only received a few invitations to interview. I am very well qualified, but I kept seeing job postings for people with 3-5 years experience, in other words, they want someone in their 20’s. I have only had four jobs in 30 years, so although they can’t ask me my age, they can add up my years experience and estimate that I’m in my early 50s.
During the few interviews I did get, I was asked several times, “There can be heavy lifting involved and long hours standing on your feet, are you sure you can handle it?”
Since I couldn’t get interviews, I started my own company and am doing well. But now, most of the clients I call on are in their 20s.
Today a client and I were talking about how difficult the loss of a pet could be. I showed her a photo of me and my favorite dog from around 2000, 2001. She, seriously said, “Wow, that’s you? you look nothing like you did back then.” Yes gurl, I haven’t aged well.
I go down to the restaurants near my clients, in trendy areas of town, and get eye rolls from younger gay men when I simply and causally say hello. I’m partnered for 17 years, Married for 1. I’m just being cordial.
Body is sagging and the harder I work at loosing weight, the more I look like my skin in melting.
My hair is that bald scalp with salt & pepper around the back.
I have to carry reading glasses every where I go.
Getting older sux.
[mention]DQPumpkinhead[/mention] I myself have some anger issues at times. I can't quite explain it but I do have anxiety issues and I think that plays a role in things. I usually never lose my temper completely at work, seems that road rage is my issue and it is something I am working on to overcome.

That being said, I never have given much thought about work experience. I always seen those as a minimum but perhaps it is a psychological thing. Perhaps it is a way to weed out people from applying, but I don't think 3-5 years work experience and having 20 means you're not qualified for that position. I mean it would be difficult for someone with 20 years in software engineering to start working at a start up software company in silicon valley, that industry moves fast and a very different work culture.

Kudos to you on running your own business, that's something I tried and didn't like. Granted I didn't do things the right way. I tried to be overly legit too early (not that it is a bad thing), I discounted things too much and simply didn't charge enough for my services...then I fell in to a pretty deep depression. Needless to say running my own business wasn't a good fit for me. You should pat yourself on the back for running your own business and quit beating yourself up over your age.

Next thing, I'll be willing to bet the question about heavy lifting is ask to 20 year olds who do nothing but play on their Xbox and expect to be paid because they got a gold star and showed up for work on time....

Just feel good about yourself, you're getting in better shape, you're healthy enough to be able to do that. Yes, I'm 31 so what do I know anyway, I've put on a fair amount of weight and tried going for a job, I felt like a semi truck climbing a mountain.

If I had reading glasses I'd whip them out and say to those guys "I'm sorry, is that a penis or a clittorous?"

Ageism runs rampant in the gay world, it even applies to me, it applied to me, yes, at 25. I look a little older, I think, than the average person my age. That being said, you have nothing to be ashamed of and pay no attention to people who judge only by looks, age or some other subjective attribute. When you start having these sort of thoughts stop yourself and think is this really true? What evidence do I have to support this thought? Do you really take to heart what some spoiled 20 year old thinks? Maybe he has crabs or some shit. If not that, distract yourself and divert your thoughts to something else, because at any rate it is destructive and you're better than that.
Thanks Axel. I’ve always been self conscious of my age. I’m just so afraid of getting old and no family to care for me. Of becoming that person Bette Middler sings about in “Hello In There”.
I sometimes envy the guys who faked it and married, because they at least have a family to take care of them as they age. Just issues for my shrink, if I could still afford him. Thanks for the ear and the encouragement.


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Re: Gay Men Aging

Post by LJay » Wed May 16, 2018 8:33 pm

@DQPumpkinhead It just means that you have to provide for your older years by thing-king about it now. You may well meet someone and get married. Who knows. It is a lot different these days than it used to be.

And why worry about your age? No one has a way to change the fact that we all age. those same young guys with the attitude will be older one day. No one escapes it.

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Re: Gay Men Aging

Post by DQPumpkinhead » Wed May 16, 2018 9:00 pm

LJay wrote:[mention]DQPumpkinhead[/mention] It just means that you have to provide for your older years by thing-king about it now. You may well meet someone and get married. Who knows. It is a lot different these days than it used to be.

And why worry about your age? No one has a way to change the fact that we all age. those same young guys with the attitude will be older one day. No one escapes it.
Hi LJay, I am married, and my husband and I have been together for 18 years. I don’t know how to explain it, I guess I really did’t expect to be treated any differently as I aged.


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Re: Gay Men Aging

Post by Axle » Wed May 16, 2018 9:25 pm

DQPumpkinhead wrote:
Wed May 16, 2018 9:00 pm
Hi LJay, I am married, and my husband and I have been together for 18 years. I don’t know how to explain it, I guess I really did’t expect to be treated any differently as I aged.


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Well it is no different than how we all view millennials...well they are messed up but the general consensus is that no one really respects 18 year olds...They're immature, inexperienced and so on. I mean people who are overweight are treated different because of the stereotype that fat people are lazy which isn't always true. All I can say is that the young people who are disrespectful to you and older folks will eat a lot of crow when they get older.

The older I get the more I appreciate connecting with other people. It is hard finding people with common interests and people who want to do the things that you want to do...and at the same time. It's like trying to conduct a 500 piece orchestra....logistics more complicated than overnight shipping from China. It would be nice to go ride about shooting photography, hiking...or whatever for that matter. My partner doesn't have those interests at all and it's a bummer that I can't seem to share the experience with anyone I am friends with.

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Re: Gay Men Aging

Post by emiliano » Fri May 18, 2018 1:00 am

The guys that rolled their eyes at you are stupid. Inter generational friendships are vital. The exchange of experiences and knowledge.

The way I view aging now is how I hope I will continue to. That it’s good because it beats the alternative.

I know that I’m young, but I work with kids, and this is the first year I started feeling older than another group. Not by age, but by generation. It’s a strange feeling.

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Re: Gay Men Aging

Post by LJay » Sun May 20, 2018 10:53 pm

I have my grandmother's wedding picture. I also have pictures of her more than 60 years later. The young lady would have been interesting to know. The old one, even in memory, is more precious to me than I will ever be able to express. Believe me, she did not gain that worth by satisfying vanity.

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